The poison pen

I had made it through my birthday relatively unscathed considering and I was going back to work. Life seemed to be returning to something like looked like routine even if normality was out of the question. 

On Tuesday everything was normal until he came home; he said I'd had a letter arrive and handed it to me. I never check the post as it's usually junk but this was a hand written envelope so I just thought it was a late birthday card. He was stood behind me while I opened it and seemed to see it for what it was before I did. He began to protest as the words of the letter sank in. 

The letter told me that my husband was suspected of having an affair with someone at the gym, someone who had been involved with married men before. It named her and told me that they had been seen together on a number of occasions in a manner that you wouldn't expect of a married man. At that moment the bottom fell out of my world; all his assurances about the reasons for leaving were totally shattered, as was my faith. 

Some stranger had found out my name and my address and sent this letter for reasons I can only imagine were to stir up shit. I felt totally violated. My home and privacy had been invaded; I felt sick to my stomach. I felt humilated that strangers knew more about my life than I did and I was incandescent that I had been lied to. 

He denied that anything had happened although he said he had wanted it to. I didn't and still don't believe this as from the following day they have been in an relationship (yes whilst still living under the same roof as me). I know this as he told me so, this was good of him as far as he was concerned because he was being honest. I wonder if I told him of my intention to kick him in the balls prior to doing so would somehow lessen the pain? Maybe we could try that theory out and I'll let you know. 

I was broken, totally and completely broken. He told me that he didn't consider himself to be married anymore and he would behave as such. I had no say in this matter because of the afore mentioned honesty. 

I had to tell someone so I told my best friends. They rallied around and offered me comfort and quite frankly saved me that night. However, something inside me had changed. I felt rejected and more devastatingly, easily replaced. I had been cast aside for someone else and lied to to appease his conscience. 

I had no support at home, he was more interested in how the other woman was affected by the letter. I said she needn't know about the letter and it wouldn't affect her at all, but no he had to make an even bigger drama out of it without any regard for my feelings. This person seems to have drama in her wake and now I was being drawn into it and I wanted no part of it. I wanted to get out of this with some dignity but that had fallen away and I was exposed and very lonely. I can't describe the hurt you feel when someone who is supposed to care about you more than anyone else in the world shows a complete disregard for your feelings over some relative stranger. 

All of the plans to try and stay a family until after Christmas had been shot to pieces, I couldn't stand to look at him or talk to him. We were going to devastate our son's life to an even greater extent because he cared more about satisfying his pecker.

I had to tell him he needed to be discreet about his new relationship as he didn't seem to think there was a problem with him carrying on under my nose. To be honest I'm not sure how I managed not to kill him, it was probably the thought of the mess it would make. 

I didn't know what was going to happen from here but the one thing I was sure of was that it was going to be harder than I had ever imagined.