When you end a relationship you are subject to lots of advice and sooner or later that advice seems to be 'go and get laid'. This is something that's easy to say from the comfort of a long term relationship where the prospect of casual dating may seem fun and even glamourous but the prospect of actually doing off the back of your life being wrenched apart is totally different.
However, after a few months of separation I was coerced in to joining Tinder and my god it's a bloody cesspool. I have not used any kind of online dating in the past so I had no idea what to expect but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to encounter.
First of all are the guys who just put it straight out there by posting profile pics of their boners, or are just naked- clearly looking for deep and meaningful relationships there. Then there are the straight up misogynists who proudly state in their profiles they are only interested in women who 'take care of themselves' whilst making no statements about personality whatsoever. You also have the piss heads whose profile photos are a blurry mix of nights out with friends and you have no idea which one the guy is - ok that might make the first date kind of interesting, if he sobers up for long enough to actually make it.
Men are also have no idea what they want.
'I'm not interested in girls who are materialistic' - has a picture of him next to a sports car which is clearly not his by the way he awkwardly posing next to it but not actually touching it.
'I don't want anyone shallow and into their looks' - has pictures of himself topless in the gym mirror.
So you trawl through a slew of pictures whilst seriously considering celibacy or becoming a lesbian when you decide you might as well swipe right. Oh you got a match - yeah don't be fooled- as it turns out you're not the only girl who's picky and guys have cottoned on to this fact and play the odds. They swipe right on mass and hope that one of those will swipe them and then decide if they like them or not. I had quite a few matches but didn't actually communicate with many of them and after one guy wanted to send me pics of his torso (yes I think that was euphemism) I pretty much stopped using it.
I had actually started chatting to one guy and we did go on a date, which was terrifying, but it was ok and although I didn't see him again it was good to have gotten that one date under my belt.
It wasn't until a few weeks later that the app got opened again whilst on a drunken night out with my friends. Much wine was had and apparently lots of swiping was done and I think don't most of the swiping was me - honestly married people have much lower standards than actual singles. So when I actually got up the next day with the mother of all hangovers and checked my phone I had a slew of Tinder activity and worryingly from guys as young as 25! Someone had been messing with my settings. I went in and sent a few apology messages to people saying that I couldn't in good conscience date someone who was born whilst I was in year nine at high school (shudder). However, the swiping did result in me connecting with someone from my past. It was totally freaky but we really clicked and I spent the rest of the day messaging them from my hangover pit.
We met, we started dating, it was nice. We existed in a bubble and that was safe.
The problem started when other people started to factor in to the relationship. Until that point I had been somewhat conscience of my motives for dating but I tried not to think about it too deeply. However, once that safe bubble that was just the two of us burst I couldn't help but get caught up in my head and all the doubts started to creep in. Why was I dating? Was I trying to prove something to my ex? Was I just delaying some deep seated emotions from the spilt? Were my feelings real or just transference? Let me tell you when you suffer from anxiety this kind of stuff will make you ill - I mean physically sick.
I knew it was me and my problems and it wasn't him. He was great, if I could Weird Science myself a guy he would pretty much be it, but I just wasn't in the right place. We mutually decided to call it a day as we are both dealing with the aftermath of separation and there is no timetable for recovery. It would be so much easier to bury the doubts and carry on but that's not fair on anyone and I would just be doing what I'm accusing my ex of, running away from my problems. My problems don't stem from any residual feelings for my ex but from my own beaten down sense of self that you get from years of being in a shitty relationship. I need to be absolutely sure of my feelings about me before I go looking for someone else again.
So I'm giving myself time to just be me and find out who that is. Who knows where I'll be in 3,6,12 months time but I'm not going to rush it and risk losing someone great again.
