I don't know what I expected the house to feel like after he left but there was a definate change. I'd never really liked the house we were living in I always felt uneasy there; like there was some bad feeling about the place. There was this sense of dread I'd always had since we moved in, I thought it was because it was such a bigger financial commitment than our old little house. However, I think it was becuase I was at a place in my life where I'd got everything I ever thought Iwanted. A family, a big house, a good job and that's a lot to loose if it all goes wrong and I felt like I had no control about whether it went wrong or not. I was always waiting for something to go wrong.Then it went wrong.
The day after he left I stepped into my house and that feeling had gone. It felt like the place had been exorcised or something, the whole house felt different. The sense of dread I had always had had been replaced with a feeling of opportunity. I could take back control of my life, my future. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I still had a week before I was back at work so I took the time to put my own stamp on the house. I emptied the house of any last remnants of my husand's and took a cathartic trip to the tip. I then went out and bought some new paint and wallpaper. It felt so empowering to make these decisions without seeking anyone elses approval. It had never occured to me how much I had let my husband control my decisions. I couldn't remember the last time I had made a decision on my own, even one as mundane the shade of paint for a room.
I wanted to create spaces for me and my son. I was going to use the second reception room downstairs as a play room for my son and convert the man cave into a sewing room for me. I cannot tell you how good it felt to make these changes, it made me feel like the house was becoming a home for the first time. Somewhere I could feel safe.
As I was painting the playroom the doorbell rang and there was two jehovah's witnesses at the door. Their opening gambit 'Do you ever wonder why the world is such a terrible place'? I replied 'I really don't think it is and my husband has just left me'. They didn't have much to say to that and I went back to my painting, but I think it pretty much sums up my mood. You can go around looking for the bad in the world but never let that stop you seeing the good. I've been going through the toughest time but people have been so kind and supportive that even in the worst moments I know that if I'm brave enough to ask for help it will be there; but asking for help can sometimes be the hardest thing in the world.
In three days I had redecorated the two rooms and decided to put my sanity to the test by taking a trip to Ikea. Do you know what? It was lovely, a quiet Thursday morning no whinging child or husband, all the time I wanted to look around and no one hurrying me. I never knew it could be such a pleasant experience. I got home and put the furniture together all by myself, this is a job my husband would usually have done and made a right song and dance about. But it's not actually that hard and I'm sure he only ever used to do it to get out of parenting duties for a few hours.
It's funny that the place that used to make me feel so vulnerable had actually started to feel like a home for first time. It goes to how that home isn't a place its a feeling. My defintion of what home and family looked like had changed so fast but I was the one with the power to shape that going foward and that gave me so much strength. Strength I'm pretty fucking sure I'm going to need.
